Chapter 4: Coffee Time (One-on-One)

Up until now all your interaction has been in a group setting. This phase presents an opportunity for a guy to ask a girl out for coffee/tea (one-on-one). The purpose of this phase is to openly reveal your interest in him/her, get to know each other a little more, and gauge whether or not the relationship could go the next level. It doesn’t mean you’re officially in a relationship, so it shouldn’t be too serious, but light and fun.

Your Questions

Question 1

How many coffee times should you have before you move forward?

Answer 1

There are no rules! Generally speaking 2-3 times is the average. But feel free to go more or less as you see fit. The point is to discover if you want to move forward or not.

Question 2

At what stage should I tell people?

Answer 2

Because you’re not officially in a relationship, we would suggest you only tell your closest friends. You could include your Connect Group leader, especially if they played a part along the way. But telling them is not a requirement, but rather a courtesy.

What You Shouldn’t Do in the ‘Coffee Time’ Phase

1. Don’t be alone in someone’s apartment. Coffee should always be in a public place.


2. Don’t spend endless hours on social media or phone.


3. Don’t expect commitment!


4. Don’t buy expensive gifts.


5. Don’t touch, or keep it to a minimum. Your arms around her waist, stroking his/her cheek, or kisses on the forehead communicates a high level of commitment.

Coffee Time should communicate “I like you” and “I want to get to know you better.” But there’s no commitment at this phase. However, if you touch and then back away from the  relationship, you could have a very broken  hearted, or angry man/woman glaring at you  every time you see them..( Not a good feeling).  Leave the touching for the ‘In a Relationship’  phase. Look at the next chapter to see what’s appropriate.


6. Don’t ask several girls/guys to go out for coffee at the same time to see which one you like best.


7. Don’t only talk about yourself, but ask questions such as: ‘What’s your favorite  childhood memory and why?’ When he or she hesitates answering, DON’T jump in and answer the question for them – “My favorite memory is . . .”.

Be patient and give him/her time to think and answer before you speak.


8. Don’t ask a girl for coffee a second time if, after the first coffee, you are confident she’s not the right one for you.


9. Don’t ask a girl for another coffee time if, after the first coffee, she tells you that she doesn’t feel you’re the right one for her.


10. Don’t go out for dinner or a movie at this stage as a one-on-one. Save this for when you’re officially “In a Relationship.”

Coffee time is a low cost, low key way to get to know each other without commitment.

‘Coffee Time’: Tips for Guys

1. Take the initiative!

Most girls feel uncomfortable in taking the initiative, so it’s important you do. Of course, there are some girls who are happy to initiate, but they are in the minority. If you’re worried about how she will respond, you can minimize the risk of rejection by doing a little homework. Ask a friend to ask her who she likes. If she mentions your name then you’re set to go.

While initiating might be scary, it’s hard to shortcut this part of the process. Generally speaking, there is something admirable about a guy who can initiate and take the risk that goes with it.

Lack of initiative, might leave some girls wondering – Is he not that into me? Is he shy? Or is he simply lacking confidence? Or maybe he’s waiting for me to initiate? This is a concern for her because it could be that she will always have to take the initiative. For some girls this is a risk.


2. Once she agrees to go out with you, prepare to make the one-on-one experience an enjoyable one for both of you. Rehearse in your mind the sorts of questions you would like to ask her. The quest-
ions should be light and fun, regarding vision, likes/dislikes, and background stories. The answers will generate more questions, so feel free to ask questions you didn’t prepare to ask. But remember
to keep it light and fun; don’t ask deeply personal questions about past relationships or hurtful experiences.

Don’t expect the conversation will just happen. Put some effort and thought into what you do together. Take the lead!


3. Be a courteous communicator. Talk and listen!


4. Be a gentleman! Be complementary, open heavy doors for her, and let her have the best seat in the coffee house. However, picking up the bill is optional at this stage.


5. Try to be reliable, someone she can count on and will feel secure with. If you cancel appointments, forget your wallet, or lose your train pass/car keys, she might think you’re adorable, or she might feel she can’t rely on you.


6. Be yourself! And try not to put too much pressure on yourself!


7. Be personable, that means you are able to let your guard down and don’t take your self too seriously. This will naturally happen when you’re feeling relaxed. If after a few ‘coffee times’ you don’t feel relaxed, then it could mean that she’s not the right one for you.


Write down the top 3–4 questions you would like to ask.

‘Coffee Time’: Tips for Girls

1. If a guy has difficulty leading the conversation, please be patient and give him a chance.


2. Be open to his ideas!


3. Give him a couple of chances to learn to relax.


4. Dress up, wear make up, and generally look your best. Make the outside as beautiful as the inside.


5. Be yourself!


6. Don’t turn every guy away because you have your sights set on an impossible dream. Give the guy a chance and look at him with an eye to discover potential. That handsome prince that burst on to the scene on his faithful white steed to sweep you off your feet, might look more like a young guy riding on a donkey.


7. Be careful of comparisons. That guy that you saw treating his wife like a cherished princess, has had many years of coaching from his “princess wife”. He didn’t get to be that good overnight. He wasn’t born with an incredible insight into women. He gained insight through trial and error, and a commitment to getting to know his wife’s needs over time. So do away with any unrealistic lists of things you want in a man. A good list would be – he loves God, loves people, loves you.


8. Try not to broadcast your coffee time to too many of your girlfriends. Well-meaning friends could stir things up prematurely.


Write down the top 3-4 questions you would like to ask during Coffee Time